"My taste in dates," the girl remarked during a lunch hour hen session, "runs to men who are tall,dark and hung some."

A little religious
 

(Good one's Texas..LOL)

Let's try some religion..hehe:)

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "preacher, I don't believe the bible mentions PMS"

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read. "And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Bethlehem."

Speech humor
 

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following.

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two ***** come together. I come once-a-more. Two *****, they come together again. I
come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives..."

"Hey, coolla down lady" said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spella "Mississippi."

(LOL) those two joke's are funny. :D

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Thanks a lot.........This thread is nice

Fairy Tale
 

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: 'Beautiful lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.'

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself.

I don't f@#kin think so..

:):)

I just read this to Tigger and he said whyyou's crazy frog! am I missing somthing?

That'll teach that crazy frog!

Frog: wasn't me!!! lol!!!!

WhyYou: WHAT!!!!!!! Darn...thought I got rid of you!

Frog: shaddap! :D

:D:D

Gender Designation... Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether you use “la” or “le in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few of our recommendations...
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider … it gives a man pleasure. He'd be lost without it. Lastly while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

Calm-Inner peace
 

This really works!

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a big box of chocolates.

You have no idea how F@$king good I feel right now....:)

Ok he just let me in on the joke.

Hospital Joke
 

(This one is for Tigger)

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are...my...test...results...back?

Tigger told me that one a while ago i think some one posted it on Alisons board.

Knew I heard it somewhere...LOL..:)

Here is another one I heard today
 

The time has come for St. Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteers to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.

"It's no big deal," St. Peter explains. "Sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life, then send them on to housekeeping to pick up their wings."

On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him.

"I'm a simple carpenter," says the man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in this world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story."

By this time, Jesus is standing with his arms outstretched. There are tears in his eyes, and he embraces the old man.

"Father" he cries out, "Its been so long!"

The old man squints, stares for a moment, and says,








"Pinocchio?"


:)

What do you call a hooker that smokes dope?????????????????? a pot hoe!!!!!!

(LOL) Missy that was a funny joke. :)

A suspected jihadist was being grilled at Guantanamo Bay. "Honest officer," he said,"I'm not a suicide bomber!"
"We heard what you said," the officer replied.
"We've got you on tape."
"I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up so I could have sex with 72 virgins,"
the suspect said. "All I said was I'm dying to get laid."

Women think they're so clever because they can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship,but men can fake a whole relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

A man and his wife were having sex.Fifteen minutes,30 minutes and then 45 minutes passed.Sweat was pouring off both of them when the wife finally looked up and said, "what's the matter,honey? Can't you think of anyone else either?"

I was gonna kill the worlds greatest lover. But then there's a law against committing suicide.:D

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow,
"Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long.
You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."
The cow objected, "What? This kind of a tough life you want me to live for 50 years?
Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog,
"You are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house.
Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them!
I'll give a life span of 20 years."
The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way!
I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey,
"Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks.
I'll give you 20 years life span."
The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks?
Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play.
You will enjoy very much in your life.
All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing.
This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span."
The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing?
Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....
Why don't we make a deal?
Since the cow gave you back 30 years,
and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years,
I will take them from you!
That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.
AND THAT'S WHY...
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much.
For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family.
For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks.
And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!

I love it . That was a good one

That's a great joke Laranger!. Or is it a joke?. It may have been true lol.:D

The Very Best Chicken Joke Ever!
 

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and
says, 'Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.'

If anyone needs it explained - read it a second time.

:D

A few "Kids say the darnedest things"
 

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, Darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'



While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, a mother would take her 4-year-old daughter on her afternoon rounds. The little girl was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day the mother found her daughter staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As the mother braced herself for the inevitable barrage of questions, the little girl merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'



While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the Hole He Goooes.'


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear.'

Ok...it's more than a few...lol! :D

Dear Alcohol
 

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin, prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan



P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Women are just like orange juice cartons.
It's not the size or the shape that matters, or even how sweet the juice is.
It's getting those Damn flaps to open!

LOL...Two great jokes in a row laranger...you're on a roll! LOL!!! :D

80yr old man setting on the park bench with a friend said i got a new hearing aid it cost$4000 but it is state of the art the newest thing out! The second man asked what kind is it? Its 12:30.:d

OLD MAN WALKED SLOWLY INTO THE ICE CREAM PARLER AND GOT UP ON THE STOOL. AFTER CATCHING HIS BREATH HE ORDERED A BANNA SPLIT. THE WAITRESS ASKED CRUSHED NUTS? NO HE REPLIED ARTHRITIS!:eek:

Little Rachel came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Now, Little Rachel was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Rachel 's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Rachel , of course, thought she did.

Rachel 's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Rachel stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Rachel

Rachel knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Rachel . I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Rachel

Rachel knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Rachel

Rachel knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Rachel 's mother thought her plan had worked because Rachel looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Rachel walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,YOU KNOW WHO

:D:D

Oh my!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

loved this one!!!!