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Pretty good Mart! I wonder what the capital of South Carolina would be. SC maybe?
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Do you know why cow's are upset? Well you would be too if the farmer got you up at 5am and stroked your **** for two hours and then left and you didn't get laid!!!!!!:eek:
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MISSY! that's another great joke, keep em coming.:D |
I got this in an email....
IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD * * * * (scroll down) * * * * * * * * * * (keep scrolling) * * * * * * * * * * (more scrolling) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Aww CRAP...Now I forgot what I was going to tell you! :D |
Yep been there!:p
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Exercise
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > >I can do this twice. > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> DON'T OVER DO IT > >> > >> The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into > >> our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health > >> and maintain muscle mass. > >> > >> If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more > >> repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It > >> may be too strenuous for some. > >> > >> > >> Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! > >> > >> > >> > >> SCROLL DOWN............. > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> NOW SCROLL UP.. > >> > >> That's enough for the first day. Great job. > >> > >> Have a pint. __________________ It's what's inside that counts the most |
What about the lazy ones like me dxhound2003? who just hold down the "D" button.:D
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I thought i recognized dxhound2003 joke!, well WhyYou's joke. Not funny and not clever dxhound2003.
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Sorry guys. I'm very old and when I saw Why You's Important Message I was reminded of this one. I had sent it on my e mail to a friend and I retrieved it from there without remembering where I got it first.
I'm very tired and I have to lie down now. |
Got this from a friend
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: "ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR" |
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Jokes of nature.:p:D
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Great joke DWM222 and so true:D
I hope the middle pic isn't just a shot of your bum bending over Ugo!.:D |
Danger..Don't tell women w/PMS even simple jokes
It started like this :)
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? Woman'sAnswer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f--k'n house knows HOW to change a f--k'n light bulb! They don't even know that the f--k'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f--k'n DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the g/d light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f--k'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f--k'n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F--KER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE F--K'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F--K'N HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE F--K'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !! I'm sorry. What was the question? (Some days start out bad...& then go into the crapper):D |
I didn't know you knew my ex! DMW222!.:D:D
Oh DWM222, your supposed to post jokes not real life.:D |
Yeah Mart...sometimes "Real Life" is a Joke:)
& we must have been married to the same woman LOL |
Golf time
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken! |
Craig's List (For CaptnJack)
CaptnJack..I got this in an email & I thought you might appreciate it because of your recent breakin problem (I hate thieves):)
.................................................. .................................................. ... ----- Original Message ----- > Posted to Craig's List Personals: > To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. > Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST > > I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. > > I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that > evening,and it wasn't that cold outside. > > You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? > > It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I > couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. > > I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet. > > I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. > > They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. > > I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy > was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number). > > I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky .... > > - Alex > > > P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society! > > > |
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Tigger was riding a horse and fell off, it could have been varry bad if the walmart employe had not been there and unpluged it!:D:D
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Thanks DWM222 I certianly appreciate the thought.
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Funny videos Ugo, reminds me of the late Benny Hill or Candid Camera.:D
Candid camera http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJxzYuysUP0 Benny Hill http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=810TQyT2KXI |
DWM222 that was very funny having a mugger getting the table turn on him.Unlucky a female friend from Miami wasn't so lucky.Two big "Tough" colored guys mugged her.Her being a small petite female gotten her nose busted when they pistol whipped her and took everythign she had..and she lives out of a Hotel when she's lucky enough to make enough tips to pay for one.Worst part they stole her expensive meds she needed for Crohns Disease that she has.Well me personally if I was there with her and they tried that crap..I wouldn't have been so "Nice" and just blow their nuts off.Here in Texas we can legally carry a conseal firearm...once we taken the course that allows us to do so.
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Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear. If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch. If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you. To all Chuck Norris fans i apologise.:D |
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I love Candid Camera, nice find Ugo. Their actually quite sexy as well, in a funny way.:D
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How many of these guys were actually gentlemen by not looking up? not many.:D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUeMgZrLO8s |
I like video camera too, Friend Mart.:D
And are so many sexy videos,..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dImY5ZYQlgE&NR=1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EH0ruEWZ7yA&NR=1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5IZZ...eature=related |
Nice videos Ugo, i think Candid Camera was the best prank show ever.:D
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Thanks Ugo! their hilarious, especially the one with the bed filled with water.:D:D
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Yeah Mart. To me very hilariou that "water mattress".:D:D
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When Farrah Fawcett arrived in Heaven, God granted her one wish. She wished for all the children in the world to be safe.
So God killed Micheal Jackson. |
Yeah and the "funny" part was Jackson's death was bigger news then Fawcett's.
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>
> I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. > > FOR EXAMPLE: > > One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' > > I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' > > So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... > > 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' > > She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' > > Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. > > The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.' > > We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis > > I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all > Dear, let's go to the cashier.' > > I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' > > Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?' > > I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' > > And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?' > > Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that ***** knows I'm smarter than her. > |
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