WhyYou thats was funny.Now I know the secret to being a great salesperson. :D

A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn.
His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"
"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law"
"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?"


"She wouldn't lie still!!"

Loved the bible selling joke WhyYou - hilarious!!

Good one laranger - one can never go wrong with a mother-in-law joke:D

Good one laranger.!!!!!!!!!!!:d

Okay here is my joke for the forum:

A guy walks into a tatoo parlor and tells the tatoo artist.

"I want a $100 bill tatooed on my penis."

The tatoo artist looks the guy over and says. "Sorry buddy I dont think I can help you out with that one."

Guys says, "Look I am dead serious, I want a $100 bill tatooed on my penis and to prove how serious I am, I will pay you a thousand dollars to tatoo the $100 bill on my penis."

The tatoo artist thinks about it and finally says, "Damn one thousand dollars huh for a $100 bill tatooed on your penis! I tell you what I will do it on one condition, why do you want a $100 bill tatooed on your penis?"

The guy thinks for a minute and replies back, "I have 3 very good reasons for wanting a $100 bill tatooed to my penis. Reason #1, I like to keep my hands on my money. Reason #2 I like to watch my money GROW. And the 3rd reason I want a $100 bill tatooed on my penis, the next time my wife wants to go out and blow a hundred dollars she can stay at home!!!"

Good one luv2mtnbike! :)

Good one luv2

Thats a good one:D

AN ELDERLY MAN IN FL. HAD OWNED A LARGE FARM WITH A POND AND SEVERAL FRUIT TREES. AND HE HAD NOT BEEN DOWN TO THE POND FOR A WHILE SO HE THOUGHT HE WOULD GO TO IT AND HE GRABED A PALE TO GATHER SOME FRUIT WHILE HE WAS THERE. AS HE APROATCHED THE POND HE HEARD YOUNG GIRLS CAIRING ON. AND HE ANOUNCED HIS ARIVAL TO DISCOVER THE GIRLS WERE SKINNY DIPING. THE GIRLS QUICKLY MOVED TO DEEPER WATER AND SAID THEY WERE NOT COMMING OUT TILL THE OLD MAN LEFT. THE OLD MAN REPLYED , I DID NOT COME TO WATCH YOU GIRLES I CAME TO FEED THE ALIGATOR!!!!!!!! MORAL= SOME OLD MEN CAN STILL THINK FAST WHEN THE NEED ARISES.:eek:

This isnt a joke but it's funny. I was sitting in my motel room looking at the beautiful danielle's sight when screems from the next room i ran out to be joined by my boss and the rest of the team. Wendy the new girl on the team was screeming and amanda was out side her room yelling there is an creature in there room so all of us guys entered the room wendy was on top of the sink in a towel yelling and pointing into the bathroom. Yelling shoot it. My team leader looked around the corner intothe bathroom gun drawn. Stood up turned and looked at wendy and grabed a loose towel and thru it in the bathroom and bent over and picked up the towel and carried it out side and dumped it out and out fell this little green lizard about 4 in long he looked at them and said two federal agents afraid of a baby lizard. These things are every ware around here. Them two are not going to sleep at all tonight.lol

Yeah that is funny. One question...how short was the towel? (LOL)

it covered everything!

Pervert!!!:D

Ask the lizard.

Here's one with an Arizona connection:

Its been well over a hundred years since the Indian Wars ended, but some folks just won't let go until every "renegade" is accounted for. An example of that is the Arizona Department of Transportation. All over the Superstition, Gila and other mountain ranges, they have posted signs telling drivers to watch out for this particular chief from yesteryear. So what does the sign say? "Watch Out For Falling Rocks." Some folks just don;t know when to call it quits ...

That IS funny! :D

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom.
He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but
he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten" said Murphy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job.
It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.
"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I.

That is my sister to a t

Elephant's Memory - Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduation from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approched it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant. :)

Good one DWM222! :)

Here's a couple of jokes I kind of stole when I was in IRC :

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.



A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect'


:D

Good ones guys!!!!!!!!!!

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.'

'And what can I get for you, Mr. President?'

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?'

''Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims.

'How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton,' and then she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.........'It's pronounced 'quiche.'

:D

Giving Up Wine
 

(just one more today...this is good)

I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?'

'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless
woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?'
I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?'
I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman '
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping,
hair appointments, and wine.'

:D

A DRUNK WAS WALKING THRU THE WOODS AND HAPPENRD APON A CHURCH GROOP, AND THE PASTER WAS BAPTISING PEOPLE IN THE RIVER. THE DRUNK WONDERED OUT AND BUMPED INTO THE PASTER, THE PASTER SAID WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET JESUS TODAY, DRUNK REPLIED YES I WOULD. SO THE PASTER DUNKED HIM IN THE WATER AND THEN SAID HAVE YOU MET JESUS TODAY, DRUNK: NO. PASTER DUNKED HIM AGAIN HELD HIM UNDER A LITTLE BIT LONGER THIS TIME. PASTER: HAVE YOU MET JESUS? DRUNK:NO I HAVEN'T. SO THE PASTER GETTING A LITTLE UPSET DUNKED HIM A 3RD TIME AND HELD HIM THERE FOR ALMOST 30 SECONDS. HE ASKED AGAIN HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS ? DRUNK REPLYED : NO, ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE HE FELL IN?:eek:

MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rags, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry, and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry
Horny

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy,
they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen.
And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

A round of golf
 

The advertising exec arrived at his country club for a round of golf and was asked by the pro to fill out a foursome in which he never played before.
Noticing that a beautiful blond would be in the group,he immediately agreed.
On the third hole,the adman was faced with a 35-foot putt.He turned to the blond. " If I make this putt," he proposed,"will you go out with me tonight?"
"you're on," she said.
He lined up the shot,stroked the ball and watched it roll straight into the cup.
"On the fifth hole,the young man was left with a 60-foot uphill putt.He turned to the woman. "If I make this putt,will you make love to me tonight?"
"Absolutely," she replied.
He stood over the ball,stroked it firmly and watched happily as it broke perfectly into the hole.
On the ninth hole,the blond was faced with a putt that had to go up one hill down a second and into the cup on the far side of a third --- 85 feet away.
"If I make this putt," she teased," you have to go down on me tonight."
As the woman's putter was in its backswing,the young man walked over and picked up her ball. " That's a gimme."

Cute puppy
 

As he carried a cocker-spaniel puppy home for his wife's birthday,Joe ran into one of his neighbors. " Hey,Sam" He said, "what you think of the dog I got for my wife?"
" Hmmm Great trade."

Second Opinion
 

And what's more Alice," the furious physician hollered as he slammed the front door," you're a lousy lay!"
Later,after completing his morning rounds,the doctor decided to drive by the house to apologize to his wife for his morning outburst.
Not finding her in the kitchen or the living room,he glanced into the bedroom,only to find her in bed with another physician.
"what the hell is going on here?" he demanded
"Well after what you said this morning dear,his wife explained,"I decided to get a second opinion."

A man came out into the kitchen one morning to find his wife cooking breakfast in her nity. He walked up behind her and she turned and said make love to me right this min. So he grabed her put her on the table and made love to her. She pushed him off and went back to the stove. Puzled he said what was all that about. She said the egg timer is broke!

A girl at the bar asked me what I wanted most in a woman.

So I showed her.









I just got bailed out twenty minutes ago.

Something To Do When You're Retired
 

"Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.


We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ***. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.


So Mary called him a **** head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Just then our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age."

Love that one WhyYou. That's why i got all them tickets the other day lol.:D

I have to keep that in mind when I retire. :D

Please don't retire to my neck of the woods Texasdrake. I couldn't afford to pay too many tickets lol.:D

A man and his young daughter were walking around outside. The man
marveled at how smart his child was and how innocent her take on nature was.
As he walked with her towards the park he turned and noticed she had
stopped. He walked towards her, wondering what wonderful thing in
nature had caught her eye.
As he got closer he noticed she was watching two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" She asked.
"Those spiders are mating, honey."
"Well what is the spider on top called daddy?" The daughter continued
to watch in amazement.
"A daddy long legs."
"Is the spider on the bottom called a mommy long legs?" The little girl asked.
The father chuckled at her take on life and replied, "No sweety, that
is also a daddy long legs."
The daughter pauses a moment before smashing her foot on top of them.
Bewildered her father asked, "Why did you do that?"

The little girl replied, "We don't need any of that brokeback
mountain **** going on here!"

:D

Old man walked into the drug store and asked the drugest for 10 viagra pills cut into quorters. the drugest looked at him and said i can do that but you wont be gitting a full erection with just a quorter of the pill. Theold man said im 94 yrs old i dont need a full erection ,i just want to quit peeing on my slippers!!!!!!

WhyYou & Tigger those are pretty funny. (LOL)

Mild
 

Ok,can these jokes be dirty? I'm just wondering why these are so tame.

If it's really funny it's ok...but degrading jokes are out.