Jokes

[tigger]

What did the egg say to the boiling water?



may take me a min to get hard I just got layed!!!!!!

[WhyYou]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He didn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. This protects it from the rain' and he handed Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invited him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they took the bike there. But just before they entered the house, Sandra stopped him and said, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he said. And in they went.

Joe was shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room was a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen was another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looked, dirty dishes.

They sat down to dinner and, sure enough, no one said a word. As dinner progressed, Joe decided to take advantage of the situation.

So he leaned over and kissed Sandra. No one said a word.

So he reached over and fondled her breasts. Still, nobody said a word.

So he stood up, grabbed her, ripped her clothes off, threw her on the table, and screwed her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend was a little flustered, her dad was obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sat back down, but no one said a word.

He looked at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabbed the mom, bent her over the dinner table, and had his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend was furious and her dad was boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there was a loud clap of thunder, and it started to rain. Joe remembered his bike, so he pulled the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the damn dishes!!!

[mart]

Great joke WhyYou.

[Geezer]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said, "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

[Geezer]

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

[captnjack]

good one geezer!

[Immortal]

I read in a medical pamphlet that drinking alcohol could lead to serious health complications even death. i was so scared that i've vowed never to read again.

[Texasdrake]

Ok people was wondering where everyone went and why no one's posting.
I;ll post afew Christmas related poems and jokes so you know I'm still here.


Emptying Santa’s Sack

One Christmas Eve on a roof top up on high
A poor soul stands shouting up at the sky
He has lost his job and his wife has left him
And the size of his overdraft is quite grim
Finishing his rant to god he shuts his eyes
Then he leaves a note saying his good-byes
He walks up to the edge ready to jump off
He stops when behind him he hears a cough
Father Christmas asks him "are you ok?"
And the man tells him the details of his day
He again walks to the edge of the rooftop
Then Father Christmas shouts, "please stop!"
“It’s Christmas so I’ll give three gifts to you
And I will have a small task for you to do”
Santa Claus says, “let me help you please”
The poor man is in such despair so he agrees
"That would be wonderful thanks,” he said
Father Christmas told him what was ahead
Firstly go home to your wife who is there
Waiting dressed in her sexiest underwear
Longing for you and begging forgiveness
She wants only you and your fond caress
And as for the recent loss of her affection
She will have absolutely no recollection
Secondly go into work after the holiday
Sit at your desk and work the same way
Your salary will have been well increased
Nobody remembers your employment ceased
Thirdly when you check your bank account
And you will be in credit by a large amount
The man is thrilled "oh thank you, thank you!"
Then said, “what is it that you want me to do?"
“Drop your trousers and then bend down”
The man is unsure agrees but wears a frown
Santa Claus gave him a brutal buggering
Leaving the poor man with eyes watering
Afterwards Santa asked, “how old are you?”
The man replied “actually I’m forty two”
“Your too old to believe in me by quite a bit”
Said the fat gay bastard in the Santa outfit