Jokes

[mart]

Originally Posted by tigger

Do you know why the chef was arrested??????????? He was caught beating an egg!!!!! (Amandas joke)

Nearly as bad as these!.

What happens if a dog stays in the sun too long?.
It turns into a hotdog.

Where do pigs keep their savings?.
In the piggybank of cause.

Where do fish keep their savings?.
In the riverbank of cause.

Why did the cow eat a chocolate bar?
Because he wanted to have chocolate milk.

Why was the cow afraid?.
Because he was a cow-ard.

Where do cows go on vacation?.
Cow-lifornia.

I'll stop here, it's getting embarrassing.

[tigger]

Old lady was cruzing down the hall at the nursing home and she saw Laranger siting in a chair and she walks in fromt of him lifts her dress and says supersex. Laranger was quiet for a min. and said ill have the soup!

[WhyYou]

Got this in my email today....

Out Of Order Sign
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer while trying to remove a jammed piece of paper. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to...scroll down and see.....

[Padawan]

Just a heads up. This is joke is not intended to be insulting in any way. It's just a little joke, a humor that this Finn likes.

...and God Created Finland.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Finland, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Finland are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Sweden and Russia."

[WhyYou]

LOL...Good one Padawan!

[WhyYou]

Got this one in an email today:

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him.. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom. We have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old, and 1 year old.

The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved Chapstick. LOVED it. He kept asking to use my Chapstick and then losing it.

Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom that I kept my Chapstick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished because I used it sometimes several times a day.

That year, on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around to try to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box.

I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car, and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally go into the bathroom.

There was Eli. He was applying my Chapstick very carefully to Jack's rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped."

Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth!?!

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever, because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize... they've been using your Chapstick on the cat's butt.

[tigger]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOL. OH GOD THAT WAS FUNNY!