Jokes

[WhyYou]

LOL...Two great jokes in a row laranger...you're on a roll! LOL!!!

[tigger]

80yr old man setting on the park bench with a friend said i got a new hearing aid it cost$4000 but it is state of the art the newest thing out! The second man asked what kind is it? Its 12:30.:d

[tigger]

OLD MAN WALKED SLOWLY INTO THE ICE CREAM PARLER AND GOT UP ON THE STOOL. AFTER CATCHING HIS BREATH HE ORDERED A BANNA SPLIT. THE WAITRESS ASKED CRUSHED NUTS? NO HE REPLIED ARTHRITIS!

[WhyYou]

Little Rachel came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Now, Little Rachel was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Rachel 's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Rachel , of course, thought she did.

Rachel 's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Rachel stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Rachel

Rachel knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Rachel . I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Rachel

Rachel knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Rachel

Rachel knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Rachel 's mother thought her plan had worked because Rachel looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Rachel walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,YOU KNOW WHO

[tigger]

Oh my!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[laranger]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[laranger]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll sa y to me!'
And the husband began 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,
the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower,
and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, a s she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years,
but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her,
and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door,
she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[captnjack]

Originally Posted by laranger

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

loved this one!!!!

[Palanhaar]

Originally Posted by Palanhaar

One old woman went to the doctor with a different kind of gastric problem!!

Old Woman-"Doctor,I don't know whats going on I keep on farting all day long but they don't smell and sound at all,and see I have been sitting before you for last 5 minutes and farted 20 times"
Doctor-"I see!!"
Old Woman-"Then please suggest some medicine!!"
Doctor gave a medicine to the old lady and the next day the lady came to him in anger!!
Old Lady-"Doctor,I don't know what kind of medicine you gave my!!My farts smell so bad now!!"
Doctor-"Ok!!Now,as your nose is working well,its the turn of your Ears!!"

Well Farts are always an issue for a good laugh...What say others...?