Jokes

[WhyYou]

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.'

'And what can I get for you, Mr. President?'

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?'

''Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims.

'How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton,' and then she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.........'It's pronounced 'quiche.'

[WhyYou]

(just one more today...this is good)

I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?'

'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless
woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?'
I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?'
I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman '
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping,
hair appointments, and wine.'

[tigger]

A DRUNK WAS WALKING THRU THE WOODS AND HAPPENRD APON A CHURCH GROOP, AND THE PASTER WAS BAPTISING PEOPLE IN THE RIVER. THE DRUNK WONDERED OUT AND BUMPED INTO THE PASTER, THE PASTER SAID WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET JESUS TODAY, DRUNK REPLIED YES I WOULD. SO THE PASTER DUNKED HIM IN THE WATER AND THEN SAID HAVE YOU MET JESUS TODAY, DRUNK: NO. PASTER DUNKED HIM AGAIN HELD HIM UNDER A LITTLE BIT LONGER THIS TIME. PASTER: HAVE YOU MET JESUS? DRUNK:NO I HAVEN'T. SO THE PASTER GETTING A LITTLE UPSET DUNKED HIM A 3RD TIME AND HELD HIM THERE FOR ALMOST 30 SECONDS. HE ASKED AGAIN HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS ? DRUNK REPLYED : NO, ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE HE FELL IN?

[laranger]

MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rags, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry, and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry
Horny

[laranger]

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy,
they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen.
And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

[Texasdrake]

The advertising exec arrived at his country club for a round of golf and was asked by the pro to fill out a foursome in which he never played before.
Noticing that a beautiful blond would be in the group,he immediately agreed.
On the third hole,the adman was faced with a 35-foot putt.He turned to the blond. " If I make this putt," he proposed,"will you go out with me tonight?"
"you're on," she said.
He lined up the shot,stroked the ball and watched it roll straight into the cup.
"On the fifth hole,the young man was left with a 60-foot uphill putt.He turned to the woman. "If I make this putt,will you make love to me tonight?"
"Absolutely," she replied.
He stood over the ball,stroked it firmly and watched happily as it broke perfectly into the hole.
On the ninth hole,the blond was faced with a putt that had to go up one hill down a second and into the cup on the far side of a third --- 85 feet away.
"If I make this putt," she teased," you have to go down on me tonight."
As the woman's putter was in its backswing,the young man walked over and picked up her ball. " That's a gimme."

[Texasdrake]

As he carried a cocker-spaniel puppy home for his wife's birthday,Joe ran into one of his neighbors. " Hey,Sam" He said, "what you think of the dog I got for my wife?"
" Hmmm Great trade."