Jokes

[mart]

How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
Are one-handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
Do cementry workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
If rabbits feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
What if your in hell and your mad at someone,where do you tell them to go?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something out of whack? what is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultry?
If a pig loses it's voice,is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a "broker"?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
If a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, why is a race car driver not called a racist?
IF Fex-Ex and UPs were to merge, would they call it Fed-UP?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, quit while your ahead?
If we quit voting, will they all go away?
When signwriters go on strike, what is on their signs?
How can sweet and sour be sweet and sour at the same time?
Did Noah keep his bees in the archives?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
How comes no one says "it's only a game" when their team is winning?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, does that mean electricians are delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

[voncroy10]

really amusing
i've got one
if you tried to fail and you succeed what did you achieve?

[WhyYou]

Originally Posted by mart

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Why isn't it pronounced oneteen? Why isn't 10 pronounced zeroteen? Why isn't 12 pronounced twoteen?

(13,14,15,16,17,18, and 19 all have the second number pronounced before the first number)

[DWM222]

> From: xxx xxxx<xxxxxxxx@hotmail.com>
> Subject: Installing Husband 1.0
> Date: Mon, 3 Nov 2008 08:01:33 -0800
>
>
> Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Porn 6.9.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Girlfriend 2.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0, Hot Lingerie 7.7 and Boob Job 3.8.DD.
Good Luck Babe! Tech Support
>
> __________________________________________________ _______________
> You live life beyond your PC. So now Windows goes beyond your PC.

[mart]

Originally Posted by WhyYou

Why isn't it pronounced oneteen? Why isn't 10 pronounced zeroteen? Why isn't 12 pronounced twoteen?

(13,14,15,16,17,18, and 19 all have the second number pronounced before the first number)

I wish i hadn't included that one.

[Geezer]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ' Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot? '

The parrot says, ' I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot. '

' Holy crap, ' the guy replies. ' You actually understood and answered me! '

' I got every word, ' says the parrot. ' I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird '

' Oh yeah? ' the guy asks, ' Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet? '

' Well, ' the parrot says, ' this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers. '

' Wow, ' says the guy. ' You really can understand and speak English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. ' Sorry, but I just can't afford that. '

' Pssssssst, ' says the parrot, 'I' m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer! '

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ' Psssssssssssst, ' and motions him over with one wing. ' I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man.. '

' What are you talking about? ' asks the guy.

' When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie. '

' WHAT??? ' the guy asks incredulously.. ' THEN what happened? '

' Well, then the UPS man came into the house and
lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over, ' reported the parrot.

' NO! ' he exclaims. ' And she let him? '

' Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.... '

Then the frantic guy demands, ' THEN WHAT HAPPENED? '

' Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch! '

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

[captnjack]

that's pretty good geezer

[tigger]

Good one geezer! What do you put on a pig with sunburn??????????????????????? Oinkment! :d