Jokes

DWM222 · 04-20-2012, 02:04 AM

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The end.

TheDoctor · 04-25-2012, 08:46 PM

LOOOOLLLLL

In his first movie, Harry Potter had this invisibility cloak.
Anyone with such coak... in Hogwarts... with THOSE classmates.
And we NEVER saw him peeking at the Ladies' room.

HARRY! Great Power implies Great Responsibility!

STAR · 05-16-2012, 09:20 PM

Psychiatrists vs Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.

SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody hiding under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender
cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

STAR · 06-26-2012, 04:12 AM

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

TheDoctor · 07-28-2012, 05:43 PM

LULZ...

Tom M · 07-29-2012, 01:22 PM

Very good!

STAR · 08-22-2012, 07:48 AM

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Go ahead, want it all. Just learn to be happy before it arrives, or you may not notice when it does.

04-20-2012, 02:04 AM	#1
DWM222 Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Colorado Posts: 478	A fairy tale Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end. __________________ Have I ever lied to you....That you know of?

05-16-2012, 09:20 PM	#3
STAR Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Tucson, between the forceps and the stone. Posts: 336	Psychiatrists vs Bartenders EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody hiding under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck!' 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!' __________________ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

06-26-2012, 04:12 AM	#4
STAR Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Tucson, between the forceps and the stone. Posts: 336	Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. __________________ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

07-29-2012, 01:22 PM	#6
Tom M Dreaming of Danielle Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 61	granny Very good!

08-22-2012, 07:48 AM	#7
STAR Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Tucson, between the forceps and the stone. Posts: 336	"Only a Farm Kid!" When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different. A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant". The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard." Go ahead, want it all. Just learn to be happy before it arrives, or you may not notice when it does. __________________ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. Last edited by STAR; 08-22-2012 at 07:52 AM.