Jokes

WhyYou · 11-23-2011, 06:36 PM

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the Singles Club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose!'

WhyYou · 11-25-2011, 06:28 PM

STATE DEPARTMENT

Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:

I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 50+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license. It's on the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 40+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my damn address!

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for Christ sake! I just want to go and park my *** on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go clear to the other end of the city and get another damn copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $35 just so I can make application to renew my passport.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization, something too logical for the government! You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we'd have to find some ******* to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile..By the way, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pissed off!

Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S.: Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor.. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!

And you ******** want to run our health care system?

WhyYou · 12-23-2011, 07:25 PM

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann : "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

WhyYou · 01-05-2012, 12:42 AM

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, Was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease..

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!'

DWM222 · 01-05-2012, 01:29 AM

From a Teacher -- short and to the point.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more
people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the
art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
following statement: "Capitalization is the difference between helping
your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?

WhyYou · 01-05-2012, 02:13 AM

LOL!!!!

danielle_ftv · 01-05-2012, 02:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DWM222

From a Teacher -- short and to the point.

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more
people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the
art of capital letters.

Oh my...that's funny. But it's true though.

danielle_ftv · 01-05-2012, 02:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WhyYou

STATE DEPARTMENT

Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:

I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 50+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license. It's on the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 40+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my damn address!

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for Christ sake! I just want to go and park my *** on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go clear to the other end of the city and get another damn copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $35 just so I can make application to renew my passport.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization, something too logical for the government! You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we'd have to find some ******* to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile..By the way, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pissed off!

Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S.: Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor.. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!

And you ******** want to run our health care system?

I LOVE THIS!!!

STAR · 01-09-2012, 05:39 PM

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

STAR · 01-10-2012, 05:15 AM

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

STAR · 01-10-2012, 05:17 AM

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

STAR · 01-16-2012, 10:49 PM

What does true love feel like?

True love will feel like you're just floating down a lazy river in a water park and no one has peed in it... Not even the babies.

11-23-2011, 06:36 PM	#1
WhyYou Lead Moderator (deceased) Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Joplin, Missouri Posts: 829	Older Love Making Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the Singles Club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts..... Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.' Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose!' __________________ It's what's inside that counts the most

11-25-2011, 06:28 PM	#2
WhyYou Lead Moderator (deceased) Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Joplin, Missouri Posts: 829	ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT STATE DEPARTMENT Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir: I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 50+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license. It's on the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 40+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my damn address! What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for Christ sake! I just want to go and park my * on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now because I have to go clear to the other end of the city and get another damn copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $35 just so I can make application to renew my passport. Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization, something too logical for the government! You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we'd have to find some *** to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile..By the way, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off! Signed - An Irate Citizen. P.S.: Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor.. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA! And you ****** want to run our health care system? __________________ It's what's inside that counts the most

12-23-2011, 07:25 PM	#3
WhyYou Lead Moderator (deceased) Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Joplin, Missouri Posts: 829	Baby Names A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann : "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner. __________________ It's what's inside that counts the most

01-05-2012, 12:42 AM	#4
WhyYou Lead Moderator (deceased) Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Joplin, Missouri Posts: 829	Better than a Flu Shot! Miss Beatrice, the church organist, Was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea... As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!' __________________ It's what's inside that counts the most

01-05-2012, 01:29 AM	#5
DWM222 Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Colorado Posts: 478	From a Teacher -- short and to the point. In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement: "Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse." Is everybody clear on that? __________________ Have I ever lied to you....That you know of?

01-05-2012, 02:13 AM	#6
WhyYou Lead Moderator (deceased) Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Joplin, Missouri Posts: 829	LOL!!!! __________________ It's what's inside that counts the most

01-09-2012, 05:39 PM	#9
STAR Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Tucson, between the forceps and the stone. Posts: 336	There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. __________________ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

01-10-2012, 05:15 AM	#10
STAR Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Tucson, between the forceps and the stone. Posts: 336	Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. __________________ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

01-10-2012, 05:17 AM	#11
STAR Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Tucson, between the forceps and the stone. Posts: 336	Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? __________________ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

01-16-2012, 10:49 PM	#12
STAR Danielle's Biggest Fan Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Tucson, between the forceps and the stone. Posts: 336	What does true love feel like? True love will feel like you're just floating down a lazy river in a water park and no one has peed in it... Not even the babies. __________________ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.