Jokes

[laranger]

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing 21st Birthday family tradition.
His father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake,
Bubba stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he said, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and answered,
"because your father,your grandfather,and your great-grandfather were all born in January, when the lake is frozen,
and you were born in July, you dumbass."

[ugo]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave the money to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row – too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man.

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

[captnjack]

good one Ugo. I think Sailaway will enjoy that one!

[ugo]

HEHE, Friend Captin.
I hope well for my Great Friend Sail.

[ugo]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the "Bacardi Breezers".
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and inno cent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!".
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said...*From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!* ".

[WhyYou]

For years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of raw meat on it Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process , using a cold steak actually delays the recovery of broken blood vessels that cause the black and blue marks around the eyes . These same studies have shown that application of warm , soft , and tender meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover from the damage . So , the next time you get a black eye , here's how to treat it . . .



Administer treatment 'till pain & swelling are gone , although swelling may reoccur in other areas ! ! !

[Geezer]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her
> two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
>
>
>
> The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
> Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
>
>
>
> The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't! The
> oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're
> twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
>
>
>
> 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't
> believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you
> for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

[Geezer]

I LOVE IT "WhyYou!" I am going to rush out and get a black eye so I can be "treated" for it. Now, where do I get a pair of DDs??????

Originally Posted by WhyYou

For years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of raw meat on it Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process , using a cold steak actually delays the recovery of broken blood vessels that cause the black and blue marks around the eyes . These same studies have shown that application of warm , soft , and tender meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover from the damage . So , the next time you get a black eye , here's how to treat it . . .



Administer treatment 'till pain & swelling are gone , although swelling may reoccur in other areas ! ! !