Jokes

[WhyYou]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital Fort Worth. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me ****.'

[WhyYou]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell Sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and Says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see? '

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are Millions of galaxies.?

Time wise, it appears to be Approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are Small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we Will have a beautiful day tomorrow.?

What does it tell You, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo ****. Someone stole the tent!! '

[WhyYou]

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people

Maryln Allen Adams

[WhyYou]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...'

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called her boyfriend and explained the situation. He said, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepted the proposal.

Over half an hour went by and the boyfriend was still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked, 'What happened...?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'


Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

[WhyYou]

One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie dolls in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19..95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 while the others are only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

"Sir...., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with
Ken's balls."

[DWM222]

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says, "Damn! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."
The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman does this and says "Ready!"
The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."
The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."
The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a **** house door off a tuna boat."
He got the job.

[WhyYou]

My dear friends and family,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, Christmas is tight this year. I will
be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts.
Please let me know your sizes.
You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you
wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is
most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:
1. Soft and Hygienic
2. Non-slip grip strips on the soles
3. Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
4. No more bending over to mop up spills
5. Disposable and biodegradable
6. Environmentally safe
7. Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out
the Sand Bags.

Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for
each one of you.

NOTE:

Sizes for Europeans.....with the silk flowers option should be
ordered well in advance.