Jokes

[laranger]

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy,
they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen.
And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

[Texasdrake]

The advertising exec arrived at his country club for a round of golf and was asked by the pro to fill out a foursome in which he never played before.
Noticing that a beautiful blond would be in the group,he immediately agreed.
On the third hole,the adman was faced with a 35-foot putt.He turned to the blond. " If I make this putt," he proposed,"will you go out with me tonight?"
"you're on," she said.
He lined up the shot,stroked the ball and watched it roll straight into the cup.
"On the fifth hole,the young man was left with a 60-foot uphill putt.He turned to the woman. "If I make this putt,will you make love to me tonight?"
"Absolutely," she replied.
He stood over the ball,stroked it firmly and watched happily as it broke perfectly into the hole.
On the ninth hole,the blond was faced with a putt that had to go up one hill down a second and into the cup on the far side of a third --- 85 feet away.
"If I make this putt," she teased," you have to go down on me tonight."
As the woman's putter was in its backswing,the young man walked over and picked up her ball. " That's a gimme."

[Texasdrake]

As he carried a cocker-spaniel puppy home for his wife's birthday,Joe ran into one of his neighbors. " Hey,Sam" He said, "what you think of the dog I got for my wife?"
" Hmmm Great trade."

[Texasdrake]

And what's more Alice," the furious physician hollered as he slammed the front door," you're a lousy lay!"
Later,after completing his morning rounds,the doctor decided to drive by the house to apologize to his wife for his morning outburst.
Not finding her in the kitchen or the living room,he glanced into the bedroom,only to find her in bed with another physician.
"what the hell is going on here?" he demanded
"Well after what you said this morning dear,his wife explained,"I decided to get a second opinion."

[tigger]

A man came out into the kitchen one morning to find his wife cooking breakfast in her nity. He walked up behind her and she turned and said make love to me right this min. So he grabed her put her on the table and made love to her. She pushed him off and went back to the stove. Puzled he said what was all that about. She said the egg timer is broke!

[laranger]

A girl at the bar asked me what I wanted most in a woman.

So I showed her.









I just got bailed out twenty minutes ago.

[WhyYou]

"Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.


We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ***. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.


So Mary called him a **** head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Just then our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age."