Jokes

[DWM222]

Funny..& probably true

[DWM222]

A friend of mine sent me this..I think its a "sound" idea

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[MISSY]

couldent help my self im realy going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dxhound2003]

Why It Is Better To Have A dog Than A Wife

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1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

[Geezer]

10 Signs That You Might Be An Idiot

1. You type ‘there’ when you mean ‘their’.
2. You press the already lit elevator button.
3. You get two pizzas, both half cheese and half pepperoni.
4. You get confused by the Starbucks cup sizes.
5. You think that cats are smart because they are aloof.
6. You are a self-professed vegetarian who eats fish.
7. You have a nervous breakdown when asked to not use the word ‘like’ so often.
8. You send out your resume on cute stationery.
9. You think you are saving money by buying things you don’t need during a sale.
10. You blame all your failures on anyone but yourself.

[Raymond]

Originally Posted by Geezer

10 Signs That You Might Be An Idiot

1. You type ‘there’ when you mean ‘their’.
2. You press the already lit elevator button.
3. You get two pizzas, both half cheese and half pepperoni.
4. You get confused by the Starbucks cup sizes.
5. You think that cats are smart because they are aloof.
6. You are a self-professed vegetarian who eats fish.
7. You have a nervous breakdown when asked to not use the word ‘like’ so often.
8. You send out your resume on cute stationery.
9. You think you are saving money by buying things you don’t need during a sale.
10. You blame all your failures on anyone but yourself.

The pizza comment is classic. haha

[WhyYou]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,'Watch the watch...watch the watch...watch the watch.'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'****!' exclaimed the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

[Max]

Originally Posted by dxhound2003

Why It Is Better To Have A dog Than A Wife

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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

I'm a cat guy, but all of those things are true.

[WhyYou]

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mart]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his ax had fallen into the water, and he needed the ax to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax.
"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?"
The Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me? Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

[WilliamHotothavoma]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? written by kids

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who theyre going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to f ind out later who youre stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both dont want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 isnt she a treasure

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

Id run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When theyre rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldnt want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. Its the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 bless you child

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDNT GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldnt there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
LINKS REMOVED BY MODERATOR.

[mart]

Here's some of my favourite classic sketches from some classic English comedy series.


The Two Ronnies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz2-ukrd2VQ

Tommy Cooper
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-Eq5Xn23h8

The Morecombe and Wise show
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFgdhZGLJrY

[MISSY]

Do you know the difference between the Marines and the Boy Scouts???????????? The Boy Scouts have adult supervision!!!!

[captnjack]

good one Missy

[tigger]

Originally Posted by MISSY

Do you know the difference between the Marines and the Boy Scouts???????????? The Boy Scouts have adult supervision!!!!

Hay I resemble that!!

[WhyYou]

Got this one in an email from a friend!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

[tigger]

Was that suposed to be funny?

[tigger]

Seams some one was a little pissed at Santa.

[mart]

Originally Posted by tigger

Seams some one was a little pissed at Santa.

LMAO big time!.

[Texasdrake]

Originally Posted by tigger

Seams some one was a little pissed at Santa.

Be funny if the following year he gotten more and better presents and he end up getting the idea you can get better stuff just being a little prick

[tigger]

Do you know why the chef was arrested??????????? He was caught beating an egg!!!!! (Amandas joke)

[mart]

Originally Posted by tigger

Do you know why the chef was arrested??????????? He was caught beating an egg!!!!! (Amandas joke)

Nearly as bad as these!.

What happens if a dog stays in the sun too long?.
It turns into a hotdog.

Where do pigs keep their savings?.
In the piggybank of cause.

Where do fish keep their savings?.
In the riverbank of cause.

Why did the cow eat a chocolate bar?
Because he wanted to have chocolate milk.

Why was the cow afraid?.
Because he was a cow-ard.

Where do cows go on vacation?.
Cow-lifornia.

I'll stop here, it's getting embarrassing.

[tigger]

Old lady was cruzing down the hall at the nursing home and she saw Laranger siting in a chair and she walks in fromt of him lifts her dress and says supersex. Laranger was quiet for a min. and said ill have the soup!

[tigger]

LOLOLOLOL

[Tom M]

Thanks for all the jokes people, don't know where you get them but keep them coming. Haven't laughed so much in ages.

[WhyYou]

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the Singles Club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....





Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'





Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose!'

[WhyYou]

STATE DEPARTMENT

Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:

I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 50+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license. It's on the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 40+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my damn address!

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for Christ sake! I just want to go and park my *** on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go clear to the other end of the city and get another damn copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $35 just so I can make application to renew my passport.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization, something too logical for the government! You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we'd have to find some ******* to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile..By the way, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pissed off!

Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S.: Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor.. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!

And you ******** want to run our health care system?

[WhyYou]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann : "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

[danielle_ftv]

Originally Posted by WhyYou

STATE DEPARTMENT

Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:

I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers? My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 50+ years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license. It's on the last eight damn passports I've had. It's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 40+ years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my damn address!

What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for Christ sake! I just want to go and park my *** on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go clear to the other end of the city and get another damn copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $35 just so I can make application to renew my passport.

Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization, something too logical for the government! You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we'd have to find some ******* to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile..By the way, you know why we can't smile?

We're totally pissed off!

Signed

- An Irate Citizen.

P.S.: Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor.. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!

And you ******** want to run our health care system?

I LOVE THIS!!!

[Rick_Jazz]

A woman is in court, accused of beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. As the court announces her charges, the judge asks "First offender?"

The woman replies, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

[darrenAH]

cute and funny

[DonV3rgas]

Grumpy teenage daughter: Can't find the broom.

Dad: Where did you park it?

Mom: LOL

Daughter: WTF??

Mom: Who moves around on brooms?

Daughter: TRIGGERED.